I am so very, very tired.

I want to be done with this youth group leader nonsense, but I'll keep the Sunday School Teacher bit. I'm tired of six-day workweeks, maxing out at 40 hours most weeks. I don't care how sizable the paycheck is; my body can't keep up. And the only day off that I do have, I drive to Rowan for class, so it isn't really a day off. I have next to no free time now, because what free time I do have, I have homework and training to finish.

It just isn't fun.

So, here we are again, a new school year and a new term. I'm back at Rowan again, where I was at OCC during the Spring and Summer terms (closer to home and incredibly cheap). But Rowan... Rowan still feels familiar. I'm determined to take three courses next semester, because I can come up with the money for it. And I'm probably going to have to buy a new car next summer, because it doesn't look like mine is going to pass inspection (emissions. Hey, it's a 1990).

Still, it feels good to be back here.

And I'm determined to get back into the groove of writing. Between Sunday School, two Youth Groups and work (getting promoted, hopefully), I have not a lot of free time. Plus, I've sort of been on a strong block recently. One of my stories I'm having trouble converting to type from my long-hand and the other I can't find a satisfying beginning. I've written the rest of it, but the opening just sucks.

And about my other blog on wordpress... I want to use that one as a means for book reviews. There's a lot that I read and see that is off the beaten path and I want to try and get it out there. Granted, it's just a personal blog and I don't know how many people are going to see it, but I figure a review a week... And maybe I can find some magazines or newspapers to send to.

Still doing the Query thing... excuse my language, but the Query thing is a bitch and a half. I don't like waiting and rejection after rejection starts to drag after a while. (Sighs and sucks it up).

But, it's something.

And I am trying.

Grr... I'm all sorts of frustrated right now. Half the words I type I have to delete because I misspell them or miss a letter or a word or something.

Most of my frustration stems from the fact that I no longer have any stories in mind. No sequels to previous works (a lot of them were not meant to continue, although a few I suppose I could). But I have a couple in mind. I can almost picture them together, but no names, no real descriptions, no plot, no place, hell, I don't even know if they're human or not.

What I want is a big white board and a box of markers so that I could go crazy. Start at one end and work everything out, figure out who they are, what's going on and all those nitpicky details that I like to have before starting a work. But I haven't had this problem in years. I always had another story ready for when I finished my first and this is making me crazy.

I may have mentioned that I have a blog now. So, I'm mostly going to be posting there from now on. Every once and a while I will return here, possibly, and I'm going to try to import these entries to the blog.

To view blog go to: http://writerconfessions.wordpress.com

I have come to accept that all my friends are freaks, geeks, or dorks. And this includes my family.

All of us are incredibly strange in some way. My sister and I can go off on strange tangents that appear to have nothing do to with anything. I also include people who are obessed with something under the category of freaks. So me and writing, Ben and coffee, Sarah and her Sarah-isms, etc.

Geeks span to include all the computer geeks in my life. This started in high school and hasn't gone away since. I knew computer geeks in high school (and drama freaks) and in college. It scares me a little. I must have some sort of magnet in me.

Dorks... I don't know, I just needed a third word to make it fit.

So, I slipped up on Tuesday. I was all excited about going home after my first class that I didn't post that day. My sincerest apologies.
Now, my new shirt. Is this:


As a result of this new shirt, I have "WIthin You" from Labyrinth stuck in my head. And that quote "I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down and I have done it all for you." I'll have to watch the movie again, because I'm pretty certain that quote isn't right.

Anyway, my new shirt and I like it very much. Enjoy

So, here's one of my rare second posts in one day. I just read an article titled "Rape in Cyberspace" about a rape on something similar to World of Warcraft and how it affected the characters. And the author said something about rape not just being a physical attack, but a mental one and I couldn't post this on my blog for class.

Taking this in mind, that rape is a mental attack, I have been sexually assaulted. I think I've mentioned in other posts about events after my break-up being fuzzy. They were fuzzy because I didn't want to admit to them and I wasn't sure what to call them.

After we broke up, I spent two more nights with my ex. One was Sunday to Monday Columbus day weekend and we had no classes on Monday. No big deal, nothing happened, we talked, I was fine. The second night was the following weekend, Saturday to Sunday, and I had been working with Devin on a screenplay and stayed too late. Of the three guys who shared the dorm, my ex really was the one I was the most comfortable with and it was one night and the weekend before had been fine. I had also made an active decision that after this weekend, that was it. I wasn't going to torment myself anymore and I would stay away from potential situations, such as this one.

I should have made that decision the week before.

I know, I remember him fingering me. And it hurt. For the first time, it hurt. It was like his nails scraped the inside of me or something. And he had pushed my hand down to rub him. I didn't. I went back to Spinner the next morning and took a really long hot shower.

Part of me wonders if I think it hurt later on, after I found out that seven weeks after we broke up he already had a new girlfriend and I was just trying to villify him. But I've been dealing with this for almost a year and I still find that I am ashamed of what happened. I don't like to admit to it and I tend to gloss over things.

When push comes to shove, I was sexually assaulted. I didn't want it and I've been dealing with the mental effects of it since. Maybe it wasn't as awful and violent for me as it has been for others, but at the end of it, it still happened. And I'm still dealing with it.

This is later than I usually post, but I've been running around today and then I was catching up on homework, so forgive me.

I had the most unusual dream the other night. And slightly disturbing.

I dreamed that I was checked into a hotel and my ex was there. He spent the entire time (not sure how long) chasing me and trying to win me back. The strange thing is, I let him. The last part of the dream that I remember is being in the hotel room with him and things were getting interesting.

I woke up and cringed. I actually almost felt sick. From previous posts, everyone should know that the relationship didn't end well and I wouldn't want him touching me even if I were dead and couldn't feel it. Just yuck.

On the other hand, I'm not getting enough sleep, so this might have something to do with it.

Still, let me wash my brain out, please.

Disclaimer: I have been extremely  lazy with this post and posted it on the school blog I have going as well. To see other postings, visit www.wordpress.devinewriters.com.

I have always been very protective of my writing. I am very reluctant to let other people read my uncompleted works and even more reluctant to give out my completed works, even just for people to read and edit. On a few occasions, I have given ot stories as gifts, and have come to regret it.

I am so paranoid about people claiming my work as their own, that I don't even share my work with some of my family members, people who I used to tell everything to. But as we have grown up, I find myself distrusting of others and keep my ideas very close to me. 

With one of Stephanie Meyer's drafts for Midnight Sun being leaked (for full story, visit www.stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html), I have started worrying even more. There are stories that I gave to people as gifts a while ago, and since then we have stopped talking and one person I am no longer friends with. Part of me knows that I should trust these people, but part of me thinks that they are no longer trustworthy and will do something to claim my hard work as their own. And I get very upset about that. Some of these stories I have worked on for five years or more; I put a lot of time and effort into them and to have someone else claim that they wrote them would be unbearable.

What do you think? Do I have a right to be worried about my work, at least when I'm not friends with the people I gave it to? Or am I being overly paranoid and should get over myself?

For those of you that know me, you may be snickering at the title. I have some serious kinks. Some stay with me forever, some come and go.

What I mean by kink in this case is my current obsession, usually relating to fanfiction. My current one is Male Pregnancy fanfics, and Orlando Bloom and his various alter egos, mainly Legoals and Will Turner, but of whom I view as rather feminine. It should be known that I often refer to Legolas as the pansy elf and had no respect for Will Turner until the third Pirate movie.

These being mpreg fics, I do have a thing for slash fics as well. That's one of my more prevailing kinks that doesn't go away. But only certain couples really. I don't know.

Needless to say, I go through periods of deviantness and some people simply don't understand it. I don't expect them to, but that doesn't mean they should reject me because of them either.

"Everyone is crooked, the trick is finding out how they are bent." Davy Dempsey, Faking It by Jennifer Cruise (might be roughly paraphrased).